art by Lachblue

Brian knows goddamn well why he can't tell Justin that he loves him. His friends think that it's his fear of intimacy which prevents him from uttering the three little words. And Justin told Brian that his fear that maybe he doesn't deserve love keeps him silent on the subject.

But it isn't either of those things.

It's this--

It's an orgasm so intense that Brian almost fears that it will never end. Or the stretch of his ass around Justin's cock on those nights when he needs to let someone in, all the way in. And it's the way that Justin doesn't say anything after, letting him break away to shower and regain his space.

It's Friday nights at Babylon, watching Justin fuck a trick in the backroom, and knowing that Justin won't be going home with the guy, no matter how hot, or hung, or tight. It's the lights flashing on Justin's skin until Brian feels like he's going to break if he doesn't lick it, bite it, taste it, and then take Justin home and fuck him blind.

It's the way he rolls over on his side late at night, and pulls Justin close, buries his nose in Justin's hair, and takes his scent in deep, maybe all the way to his soul--if Brian Kinney has a soul. It's the sensation of comfort in the small way that Justin smiles when he gets his way, or the release of tension when Brian comes in the door to find Justin there, his feet on the table and beer in hand, paging through magazines or art books.

It's the hum in his chest when Justin puts on something red, or something blue, or something tight, or takes off everything all together. It's the way Brian catches his breath when Justin lifts his eyes suddenly, sees him watching, and smiles to let him know that it's all right, going back to his work without comment.

It's the feeling that swells up inside him so that he can't breathe. It's the emotion that feels so big that he can't possibly keep it in. It's the way he has to close his eyes because it taunts him, teases him, begs him to destroy it with a simple pinprick. With the very words that are supposed to describe it.

Words that lie.

They don't hold the way that Brian feels when he's come in Justin's ass and he doesn't want to pull out yet. Or the sensation in his stomach when Justin's late and Brian wonders if he's ever coming back at all. Or the rush of seeing him again after time apart. Or the way he feels like crying when he wakes up in the middle of the night to see Justin sleeping beside him, lips slightly parted, and chest rising and falling peacefully.

So, he doesn't say them, because the words are just that--a lie. And Brian doesn't want to lie.


THE END