January 2005

Title: Not Even The Rain
Spoilers: Through S4
Rating: R
Author's Notes: Companion piece to Deeper Than Death. Thanks to varadia for the excellent beta, all remaining mistakes are my own.

These are thoughts from an email to my beta reader.

***Grass, more green than anything he'd ever seen, grew up to his thighs and he waded through it like a boy in the shallows of a lake, dislodging butterflies with every step. Sunlight, clean-cutting and fresh, slashed across every blade of grass, and illuminated the blue splash of beckoning water on the horizon. ***

I'm thinking aloud here, and you let me know if this makes sense to you. Part of the reason this came out the way it did is that Justin is an artist--a visual artist--and my experience with visual artists is that while they might not talk a lot about it, they are truly intoxicated by beautiful visuals (in nature, in people, etc). I wanted to make this place seem like something intoxicating to him, something unreal, too gorgeous, overwhelming--and also something childlike because Justin is still quite young, but also I think he'd be tempted by the innocence that he'd lose if he had to return to his life. I wanted it to have almost a children's book feel to it...like his lost youth is available to him here.

Another reason I wanted it to be differnet from Brian's much more sparse afterworld is because I think that Justin has a much more vivid internal life than Brian. I think Justin (even a more world-weary S4 Justin) finds a lot of joy and beauty in things that Brian is often too afraid to see/find.

Regarding Jack's motivation and behavior, personally, I'm not sure that it really matters and it is totally up to the reader. I'm not sure that Justin knows--or even cares. As you pointed out, Justin made up his mind early on, and I think he just sees Jack as this cryptic old guy who is in his way of getting what he wants. But, imo, Jack isn't particularly invested, though he hopes that Justin will go back to Brian. I think, though, that he knows as well as we do, and as well as Justin does, that he will choose to go back.

And this is just me talking, and it isn't important to the story, and it doesn't matter if it came across, imo, but I think Justin has a bit of disdain for Jack. I don't think he trusts him, and isn't really interested in interacting with him all that much. I think he knows that Jack was abusive to Brian in his life, and is sort of wary of him.

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