I don't think that any mother wants their son to be gay. Please, don't interpret that the wrong way. I'm proud of Justin and I wouldn't want him to be anyone other than who he is, because he's a wonderful, brave and beautiful man. But no mother wants to live in fear of the phone call I received one night only two years ago.

I know that the only way that there will be a day when mothers don't have to live with that fear is to educate, inform and break down the walls. I know that even admitting that I didn't want him to be gay is counter-productive and feeds into the very problems that create the fear to begin with. But something I've learned from my son is that you can't be free if you don't tell your truth. So, there you have it--my truth.

I don't know when I first suspected that Justin was gay. If I'm being honest, I think I always knew. I remember feeling the first threads of uncertainty being sewn into my life when he was just three or four. It wasn't the love he had for dolls, plenty of boys love dolls; no, it was just something I couldn't lay my finger on, something I couldn't touch. The threads thickened into ropes as the years passed, the truth no longer fit into the fabric of our lives, pressing up, pressing out. That was Justin--pushing. Always pushing.

I love that about him.

Craig couldn't accept it. That's another reason I hadn't wanted it to be true. I knew my husband and I knew that he would never be able to cope with the reality of Justin being homosexual. I was right. What I hadn't anticipated was how much I hated him for it, how quickly the love I'd had for Craig turned into anger, rage and disgust.

I can't blame him for everything. The truth is that our marriage was dying before the final blow.

Another thing that no mother has ever wanted is to watch helplessly as her son leaves home at seventeen. No mother wants to go to the office of her baby boy's older lover to drop off underwear, allergy medicine and his favorite movie. No mother wants to leave her son in the care of stranger.

And I never forgave Craig for that, for telling Justin not to come home. Because he knew our son; he knew as well as I did that Justin would do just that.

I never thought when I watched Justin leave the house that night, saying he was going to Daphne's, knowing he was going to be with his lover, that he'd never come home again. In some ways it was like he had died. It was all so sudden. I had no warning. One moment I had a son to care for and the next I had to clear out his belongings, box them up, put away his things. I sat on his bed and cried. I hugged his pillow to my chest, it smelled like him, and I cried until my throat was raw and my eyes were nearly swollen shut.

No. No mother should go through that and I hated Craig for it.

I still do.

I lost my son too soon.

Almost immediately things with Brian got messy and Justin ran away to New York. And who did I hear that from? Not my son. No, I got a call from Debbie, a woman I barely knew at the time, to tell me that Justin had run away, that Brian had brought him back and that they thought Justin should live with Debbie for awhile.

Debbie is a wonderful woman and I can never thank her for what she did for Justin, for us, by taking him in. But there were days when I was sick with envy, because she was the one who got to greet him when he came home from school. She's the one who got the half-asleep goodnight kiss as he made his way to bed. She's the one who knew what was happening in his life. I was the outsider. I was the mom-by-phone and that left me with little to call my own.

I never told Justin all of that and I certainly never told Debbie. She knew, though, and she did her best to keep me in Justin's life.

Still, she was the one who called to tell me that Justin had left Brian and moved in with a boy named Ethan. I was angry when I first heard about it. I felt silly--after all, I'd left three messages on Brian's machine for Justin in the prior two days and what kind of mother doesn't know where her son is living? I hadn't even known they'd been unhappy. Justin never complained about Brian to me.

Even so, I knew there were issues that had always bothered me about their relationship and I wasn't entirely surprised that they had ended up being a deal breaker for Justin, too. After all, he was raised by me and there were certain things that a boy his age wants, needs and tries to believe about relationships, the future, and love. Brian was much too old for him to begin with, and then there was the way he chose to live his sexual life.... I know that Justin thought I didn't know much about that, but I did. I'm a mother, for God's sake, I found out what I needed to know.

I knew that Brian was safe with Justin--as safe as one can be with something as messy as sex.

I also knew that Brian cared for Justin, but he had deep seated issues that kept him from opening his heart entirely. However, my son wasn't going to settle for less than everything. Justin would sew his threads into Brian's life, until they were as thick as ropes, pushing at the seams of their relationship, demanding more, pushing, pushing. Justin was always pushing.

I don't know if that is what ended it, but I wouldn't be surprised.

I liked Ethan. He seemed like a much more appropriate choice being the same age, also artistic and talented. He was attractive and seemed to fit Justin's 'type'--arrogant and too smooth. But he was affectionate and seemed to dote on Justin in ways that Brian never did.

I might not have wanted my son to be gay, but he is; and now all that is important to me is that he be able to find love and happiness in his life. I thought he'd found that with Ethan.

Well, I should revise that statement: I thought that for awhile. But, Justin wasn't the same after he left Brian. It was as though some vital part of him had been dampened. His smile wasn't as bright, his words seemed stilted, like he was measuring them before speaking--or trying to convince himself that what he said was the truth.

Even so, I was surprised when I got a call from Debbie to tell me that Justin had left Ethan and moved in with Daphne. I decided at that point to tell my son that, as his mother, I expected to be informed of his residential changes before Debbie. He'd agreed easily, but he sounded deeply morose. I worried for him, though it seemed natural after a break-up to be depressed.

I was still astonished, however, when I got a call a month later from Justin to tell me that he and Brian had reconciled.

"Don't worry, Mother. I'm still going to be living with Daph, so this isn't a call to inform you of a residential change. I just thought you'd want to know. And I wanted to tell you that I know you never thought Brian was right for me, but--"

"Justin, honey, stop." I searched for the right words. "You sound--happy. That's all I've ever really wanted, for you to be happy."

It was true. That's all I ever wanted for him. Of all the things I've failed at in my life, I can honestly say that is one way in which I've succeeded--my wishes when it comes to Justin and Molly are only for them to be happy.

Three days later I was on Liberty Avenue handing out flyers about the PFLAG annual fundraiser for the teen shelter when I saw Justin waiting to cross the street just ahead of me. I had opened my mouth to call out his name when Brian rounded the corner, grabbed Justin from behind, turned him in his arms and kissed him.

The kind of kiss you know you should look away from, but you just can't stop yourself from staring.

There was some passion, there, yes, but as Justin's mother, that wasn't what struck me. No, what made me bite my lip and fight a lump in my throat was the pure joy of the kiss.

Brian broke away, pulling Justin under his arm and they started across the street together. Half-way to the other side, Brian gripped Justin's shoulder and shoved him away playfully. Justin stumbled a little and shoved Brian back, laughing. He fell into step next to Brian gesturing with his hands emphatically.

I watched them until they entered the diner.

After seeing them together like that, I've resolved to spend more time getting to know Brian. I have a deep seated suspicion that he will be part of our lives for a long time.

The threads are mutual and growing thicker, binding them together--that much I can see. As for Justin's pushing--I know he will give as good as he gets, shoving back when shoved, pushing against the pull, establishing equilibrium. And I wouldn't expect anything less from him. After all, that's Justin--always pushing.

I love that about him.


The End